Sixth Level of Hockey Sticks
by akeleven
Summary: Buffy sees the future of BtVS. Dark humor. Character Death. Spoiler thru season 6.


*(Television land. Loud, obnoxiouse tv host.)*  
  
"Hi, we're back from break and we're ready to 'Challenge' BUFFY! from 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. Will she hold or will she fold? How ya doin Buffy, or should I say Slayer!"  
  
"I'm, um, good. Fred. Nice to meet you and I want to say thank you to all the wonderful BtVS fans out there! You guys rock!"  
  
"Now, Buffy, we'll get right to the good stuff here. You're here to decide whether to go for a seventh season, right?"  
  
"Yes, Fred, we're very happy about the work we've been doing but we want to stay in touch with the fans and keep coming up with fresh material."  
  
"Ah huh, well speaking of fresh material, I have right here the plots for all the shows of the seventh season, and let me tell you it's fresh!"  
  
"I'm happy to hear that, Fred. Everyone at . . ."  
  
"Wait, Buffy, if you saw some of the stuff they have for next season, you might not be so happy about it. Let's see - at the end of season 6, TPTB will reveal that the entire run of BtVS has been staged in Hell! Yes, good old H-e-double hockey sticks, hell! The first season was actually the first level of Hell. Kind of kooky, upbeat, sunny - hell! Then second season was the Second Level of Hell and each new season descends to a lower level - right now you're in Sixth Level of Hell! What do you think of that?"  
  
"Fred, that is so totally wrong, every season of BtVS has be uplifting, cute, just gosh darn loads of fun!"  
  
"Buffy, maybe you can pretend that season 5 was a romp in the park, but season 6? There's more angst there than most humans or demons can stand. It's really looking pretty bleak in sunny Sunnydale!"  
  
"Yes, Fred, we wanted to go for the gut, you know, do some stuff that really speaks to people."  
  
"'Go for the gut'? This stuff reads like 'Passions' in overtime! Spike loves you but you're too emotionally withdrawn to do anything but beat him up. Willow, the goodiest-good witch is addicted to black magic. Xander may or may not marry a demon that embarrasses him every time she opens her mouth! Tara, the earth goddess, gets killed! Giles' idea of kicking you out of the nest is leaving town with the nest! Dawn just whines and steals. Even on my worst days of my life - 5 wives and 6 kids - it isn't as bad as that! And I've got some life - right, Folks?"  
  
*(Audience chanting. "Go, Fred, Go, Fred, Go, Fred." Buffy blushes.)*  
  
"And this angst factory has potential for several spinnoffs - Willow, Queen of the Universe, Anya's Antiques, Xander's Old Haunted House. . ."  
  
"So what I'm telling you, Buffy, is you think season 6 is bad, season 7 is out of your league!. We'll be right back after these announcements".   
  
*(Fred flourishes the mike he's carrying.)*  
  
*(Commercialize, commercialized, commercializes, commercializes, commercializes, commercialistic, commercialisation, commercialized, commercializing, commercialize, commercialized, commercialize, commercialized, commercialize, commercialized.)*  
  
"Ok, we're back from break and while we were gone, I showed Buffy the plot synopsis for 3 of the 22 shows in the seventh season."  
  
*(Close up of Buffy looking pale.)*  
  
"So what do you say, Buffy, are you going 'To Hold', or will you 'Fold'? Are you going to go for a seventh season?"  
  
Buffy takes a while to speak. "I - I - I have to say that I'm going to fold. The Seventh Level of Hell is more than I can bear."  
  
*(Hoots and catcalls - unhappy audience.)*  
  
"What I'm hearing here is that the audience doesn't like your decision, Buffy. So what are we going to do about that, Mr Announcer?"  
  
Announcer: "Maybe we should tell Buffy about the ironclad committment to the Seventh Level of Hell that Wolram & Hart put in her contract!"  
  
Buffy looks panicked, like a cornered rat. But she has one more trick up her sleeve - a pistol, in her sleeve.  
  
"You can't use me dead!" She puts a bullet thru her brain.  
  
*(Camera to Fred who is looking unimpressed. )*  
  
  
"Don't worry, folks, we took the precaution of bringing in some talented witches and they should have Buffy breathing again before the end of the show! So after these commercial announcements we will meet our next guest - an alien from outer space that has a fetish for chihuahuas - and you'll never guess what he does with them, but before I get in trouble with the animal rights people, no actual animals are harmed by this fetish. Haha."  
  
*(Commercialize, commercialized, commercializes, commercializes, commercializes, commercialistic, commercialisation, commercialized, commercializing, commercialize, commercialized, commercialize, commercialized, commercialize, commercialized.)* 


End file.
